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Scattered - Part 6 - Rescue Me

Chapter One

Rescue Me

Disclaimer: Say it with me now, I do not, nor will I ever, own any of these people, places, or things, just the ideas that pop into my pretty little head.

A bright flash of light illuminated the courtyard, leaving the last four required Champions in its wake. Dawn barely had time to orientate herself to the dimensional shift when a familiar voice shouted her name and she found herself the recipient of a crushing hug.

“Oh, God, Dawn,” her sister said. “I’ve been so worried! Where were you? Are you okay?”

“Oh, my God, Buffy,” she squealed happily, returning the hug. “Yeah, I’m fine. Willow was with me but I missed you.”

The two pulled apart and Dawn’s eyes widened as she took in her sister’s new look; the tri-colored eyes, the near metallic gold of her hair, the soft glow of her skin, like a candle behind a screen, and of course…

“Oh, my God! Baby! You’re gonna have a baby! Oh, my God!” she jumped excitedly and hugged the Slayer again.

“Yeah,” Faith said, coming up to the duo. “If you think big sis is something, you should see Daddy.”

Dawn turned to the other Slayer whose skin glowed like Buffy’s, whose eyes contained three different colors, like Buffy’s. The dark-haired Slayer grinned at the two.

“What? I don’t get a hug?”

Faith was caught off guard as Anya wrapped her in an enthusiastic hug.

“Uh… Thanks?” She awkwardly patted the other woman’s back. “I thought you didn’t like me that much.”

Anya released her and smiled.

“Oh, not anymore. Back then I thought that maybe you would try to take Xander back and I still wanted him but now I’m with Jack and Xander’s having orgasms with Spike.”

Faith’s eyes went wide at that.

“Xander’s what?” Buffy demanded as Xander chastised, “Anya!”

Spike just laughed and Faith could hear Giles muttering, “Dear Lord.”

“Wow,” she said as Xander suddenly found himself the recipient of Willow’s undivided attention.

The witch had turned on the puppy eyes as she gazed at her best friend since kindergarten and looked at him pleadingly. He sighed.

“Come on, Wills. Don’t give me that look.”

“Yeah, but…You hate Spike.”

Xander could only shrug; he didn’t really understand the thing between them either.

“Things change.”

“I’ll say,” Spike said, coming up to them and slinging an arm around Xander’s shoulders.

Willow looked at them for a moment then her ‘Resolve Face’ settled into place and she nodded.

“If you’re happy, Xander,” she said. “Then I’m happy for you,” then she turned her gaze on Spike, “And if you ever hurt him I’ll beat you to death with a shovel.”

That said she smiled at the two before making her way to Buffy, leaving Dawn in her place. The teen was studying the two men, a smile on her face.

“What?” Xander asked hesitantly.

“That’s hot,” she said before leaving the two stunned men and starting up a conversation with Anya as Wood and Faith spoke quietly beside her.

“Greetings, friends,” a new voice rang out and the twelve all turned and stared at the man.

“Holy shit,” Dawn swore softly. Buffy didn’t even think to correct her as she too stared at the man who looked like he had just stepped out of some Disney movie, but now that she looked around, she began noticing things. Like how the scenery was just a little too bright, how the weather was just too perfect, like how the birds sitting on the castle wall were talking to each other.

The man descended the steps to the courtyard, smiling cheerily.

“Greetings,” he said again. “I am Prince Edward. Welcome to Andalasia.”


“This place is weird,” Xander said to the vampire at his side.

Spike took a long drag off of his cigarette, nodding in agreement.

“Reminds me a bit of this time at Woodstock,” he said, staring out over the overly bright landscape. At Xander’s questioning look, he continued, “Fed off a Flower Child, spent six hours watchin’ my hand move.”

Xander snorted somewhat humorlessly, still not completely used to Spike’s stories of past murders but leaned against the vampire nonetheless, nuzzling against his neck, one of Spike’s hot spots. Spike chuckled, dropping his cigarette to the ground.

“So what’s this then?” he asked.

Xander shrugged, wrapping an arm around Spike’s waist as his tongue flicked along his collarbone.

“Dunno,” the young man murmured, his other hand coming to rest on one black-denim clad thigh. “Maybe I’m starting to like you.”

He trailed his nose up the side of Spike’s throat before latching onto the still pulse point below his jaw, wringing a low sound of pleasure out of the other man.

“That right?” he asked.

“Mm-hm,” Xander replied and Spike could feel the young man smile against his skin.

The vampire suddenly twisted, pinning Xander against the wall at his back, and claimed his lips in a hungry kiss that he welcomed eagerly. Someone moaned low in their throat and both men froze. It hadn’t been either of them.

“My God that is so hot!” a female voice exclaimed quietly, though, with their enhanced hearing, both Spike and Xander had no trouble hearing her.

“Shhh!” scolded another voice. “They’ll hear us!”

Spike pulled away with a groan, dropping his head to Xander’s chest as he recognized both Dawn and Anya as their voyeurs.

“Bloody hell,” he swore softly, as the Were groaned in embarrassment.

“Crap!” came Anya’s loud whisper. “See what you did? You made them stop!”

“Me!” was Dawn’s indignant reply. “You’re the one who was all with the inappropriate moaning!”

“It is perfectly acceptable to moan while watching two attractive men making out. Don’t you ever watch porn?”

“And as fascinating as this conversation is,” Xander cut them off. “I could really go the rest of my natural life without hearing the answer to that.”

“And watchin’ better be all you’re doin’, Bit,” Spike put in as he turned to face the two.

“Pfft,” Dawn snorted as she and Anya emerged from behind some shrubbery. “Please. Between Jenks’ kids and Ivy and Kisten’s noses I can barely change my shampoo without the whole house knowing about it. Like I’m really gonna get sweaty with someone before I have my own place?”

She shook her head.

“Not likely.”

Anya looked at her sympathetically.

“I’m so sorry, Dawn,” she said. “The crew doesn’t seem to mind when Jack and I have enthusiastic loud sex when they’re around, but then, we do live on a ship most of the time so…”

“And I am officially uncomfortable,” Xander announced.

Spike reached down to pull the other man to his feet and addressed the two females.

“So, was there a reason you came to find us, other than getting’ your kicks spyin’ on a private moment?”

Dawn had the grace to look embarrassed before saying, “Buffy’s called a War Council. We need everybody there.”

“Right then,” Spike said as he ran hands over his hair and made sure he was presentable. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

With a lusty swat to Xander’s rear the bleached vampire strode out of the courtyard, leaving the two snickering women and a blushing lycanthrope to trail behind him.


“Okay,” Buffy proclaimed from where she stood at the head of a very long table, a topographical map spread out in front of her. “According to the chipmunk,” she had an odd look on her face when she said that, “The First was first spotted in the Fields of Contentment and then crossed the Stream of Happiness and was last seen moving through the, uh, Valley of… Sweet Dreams.”

She frowned momentarily, as though she couldn’t quite believe what she was saying. She wasn’t the only one. After a long stretch of awkward silence Giles cleared his throat.

“Right then,” he said then turned to the chipmunk in question. “What, uh… what do you have to report?”

The chipmunk, Pip, scampered to the middle of the map and puffed up at the attention.

“Well,” he started. “We knew right away that somethin’ wasn’t quite right when that thing first showed up. Was actin’ really shady, lookin’ fer witches and talkin’ to the Cyclops, tryin’ to garner support for something but nobody really knew what.”

Pushing past the absolute surreal experience of gathering intel from a talking chipmunk, Dawn tried to place its accent. For the most part, everything and everyone in this place sounded like Giles, but Pip sounded American, some sort of New York accent… maybe Bronx? Possibly New Jersey which she found weird for reasons even she couldn’t quite decide on. Anyway, back to her daily dose of crazy…

“So, you have, erm… people… watching the First?” Buffy asked Pip.

“Yeah,” Pip replied. “A buncha birds an’ some deer and such.”

Buffy nodded.

“Where’s It at now?”


According to Pip, who heard from the birds, who were following the deer, who were stalking the First, the entity known as the First Evil was currently residing at the edge of the Sunlit Forest.

Angel had the amulet again, or a similar amulet, Dawn wasn’t all too clear on that but it was apparently good enough for Buffy so, there they were. And there was the First.  They could tell that it was the First because it still looked like Buffy. It ran to them, flinging Itself at their feet and clinging to Angel's legs.

"Thank you," It said. "Thank you for coming. Please, you have to get me out of here! They won't. Stop. Singing!"

'They' being a large group of animals, all cartoons like everything else in this world, and they were indeed singing. The merry tune stopped as the animals caught sight of the new arrivals. A little cartoon bird fluttered over to them and landed on Buffy's shoulder.

"Hello," it said in a high voice. "You look like our new friend. You're very pretty."

"Erm, thank you," Buffy replied, putting a hand up and the bird hopped onto her palm. She held it up to her face. "Do you like your new friend?"

"Very much. She's really funny but I don't know why she keeps running away."

"I think she's just playing with you," Buffy told the bird then grinned evilly at the First. "Why don't you guys go play some more?"

"Okay," the bird chirped and took to the air. "Come on guys!"

The happy animals all clustered around the First and began to pull It away as It screamed.

"No! Don't leave me here with them! You can't! Nooooooo!"

As the group disappeared over a hill Buffy turned to the others.

"I think the First will be fine here."

Faith laughed.

"Damn B, now that's just evil."

"Well, that was rather anti-climactic," Spike said, then turned to Angel. "So Gramps, what say you get me an' Xan back home? We've got a siren to turn."

"Yeah," Faith added. "I really need to get back to Sage, he's kinda clueless when it comes to kids. Rose and Mary probably have him tied to a tree by now."

Buffy nodded, a hand on her rounded belly.

"Bar's probably freaking out."

"I need to get back to the ship," Anya said. "I don't trust Jack not to spend all of our money on rum and I don't like the looks that Scarlet woman was giving him."

"I rather agree with Anya."

This from Giles. At the odd looks from the others he rolled his eyes and continued.

"I wouldn't put it past those ruffians not to run roughshod all over my cabin."

Angel frowned.

“You guys… wanna go back?” he asked. “All of you?”

“Angel,” Buffy said, laying a gentle hand on his shoulder, the other perched on her distended belly. “I’m married, Faith has kids and everybody else…”

“We’re happy where we landed, is what she’s trying to say,” Willow finished for her friend. She smiled around at the group. “Don’t get me wrong, I miss everybody every day, I’m sure we all do…”

“But, you can’t all be happy,” he interjected and turned to Robin. “You, at least, couldn’t wait to get out of that world. Am I right?”

Robin shrugged.

“It wasn’t that bad but personally, I prefer indoor plumbing and electricity. Andrew seemed happy enough though.”

Angel nodded, happy that at least someone agreed with him. He turned to Xander next.

“You can’t tell me that you are happy where you are?” he said challengingly. “Stuck with Spike and a bunch of monsters.”

Xander shrugged.

“It’s not that bad,” he admitted. “I mean, sure, at first I would have done anything to get back home but, stuff happened.”

He glanced shyly at Spike and sidled close to him, their shoulders touching.

“It’s my home now and I think it’s where we belong.”

Unable to shake any of them off their chosen paths, Angel agreed to send each pair back to the dimension they’d been sent to after the Hellmouth blew. Cordelia had gripped his hand tightly and smiled up at him. He grinned down at her and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

After returning to the castle and reporting that the First would no longer be a nuisance to anyone, the vampire and seer-turned-Higher-Power set up the spell to return the Scoobies to their chosen planes of existence. With one last teary goodbye all around the whole off-world group was swallowed up by a white light. When it faded, the courtyard was empty.


Xander and Spike reappeared where they’d first been dropped off by the blast over a year ago. Anita’s kitchen fared better this time around though, mostly because the two men were the only ones in the whole house. Breathing a deep, cleansing breath Xander and Spike locked gazes, an entire conversation taking place in complete silence in the time it took for Xander’s heart to beat and then they were moving toward each other, hands reaching out, grasping cloth and caressing flesh as their lips met. They knew they’d made the right decision. This was home.

Spike pulled away and grabbed Xander’s hand, dragging the willing Were toward the bedroom Anita had set aside for them upstairs.

“What about Thea?” Xander asked as the vampire pulled him up the stairs. “We did kinda disappear on her.”

Spike’s blue gaze locked on Xander’s face, an as yet unnamed emotion shining clearly within their depths.

“She can wait,” he said and pulled the young man to him again. Xander went willingly.


“Mommy!” twin cries of happiness greeted the two Slayers as they reappeared in the middle of the Great Hall, seemingly only moments after they’d been whisked away. Rose and Mary plowed into Faith’s legs. The dark haired Slayer bent to sweep her daughters into her arms, almost glowing with happiness. She rose to her feet as Sage followed behind their girls, raising up on tiptoe and pulling him into a hungry kiss, her hands gripping tight at the base of his wings.

“Buffy,” Barinthus questioned softly. “Are you well?”

She slowly smiled up at him and nodded, leaning into his strong arms and finally let the past go.

“You know,” she said. “I think I am.”


Anya pounced before the retina searing glow had faded, tackling the pirate captain back against the mast and planting a forceful passionate kiss on his surprised lips. After only a second’s hesitation Jack wrapped his arms around the ex-demon and spun them, Anya’s back meeting the wood hard enough to force the breath from her lungs. She grinned up at him through her lashes.

“Mmm,” she purred happily. “Can we go have sex now?”

“For you pet?” he asked. “Anything you want. Mr. Gibbs!”

“Aye Cap’n!”

“You have the helm,” he looked to Giles. “Find a heading, Mr. Giles,” he said, tossing something to the other man.

Giles caught the compass easily.

“I’m sure I can come up with something, Captain,” he assured.

“Good,” Jack proclaimed then swept Anya up in his arms and strode purposefully toward his cabin.

Giles shook his head as the door slammed behind the pair. Finding the eyes of the crew upon him the ex-Watcher opened the compass. He thought he’d rather like to continue the search for the Fountain of Youth; it would be quite an adventure if nothing else. The needle settled and Ripper smirked.


Dawn and Willow stepped out of the shimmering sheet of Ever After behind the church, finding Ivy and Jenks both waiting for them. Ivy rose gracefully and Dawn smiled at the way the two women tried to restrain themselves from running to the others’ arms. Jenks had no problem tossing risqué comments at the oblivious witch and living vampire though Ivy did send him an especially dirty look before a swarm of his kids descended on Dawn, their happy cries drowning out anything else their father might have had to say.

Laughing, surrounded by a shimmering cloud of pixy children, Dawn was happy. Life was good.


In a bookshop (1) in Soho, an angel and a demon sat in the back room, sharing a pot of tea (2), when, suddenly, the air was split by a massively loud noise and a blinding flash of white. The two man-shaped creatures glanced at one another then at the three men who had appeared beside them.

Wesley recovered first and peered around, his eyes immediately settling the two seated at the table across from their little pile and groaned.

“Bloody wonderful.”

Gunn stirred enough to utter a pained, “Ow,” to which Robin responded, “I couldn’t agree more,” before the three men attempted to disentangle themselves from each other.

Crowley peered at the three over the top of his ever-present sunglasses then flicked his yellow-eyed gaze to his drinking partner.

“Expecting company, angel?” he asked as his counterpart immediately sobered himself with a thought and set about helping the three strangers to their feet.

Aziraphale ignored him in favor of addressing the man he was pulling to his feet.

“Are you quite all right?”

“I’ve got to say that I have been better,” Wesley replied, accepting the hand-up.

Gunn grunted as he pulled Robin to his feet, muttering under his breath, “I told you guys Angel didn’t know what he was doin’. Where the hell are we?”

“Soho,” Aziraphale supplied. At the man’s blank look he went broader, “England.”

“Great,” the man grumbled as the third perked up.

“Really?” he asked. “I’ve always wanted to go to England.”

“Congratulations,” Crowley dead-panned.

Robin glance at the man in black (4), then did a double-take as Crowley’s shades had slipped down while he observed the spectacle and he hadn’t gotten around to righting them. The former principal sighed.

“You’re not a vampire, are you?”

Crowley arched an eyebrow. He’d been called a great many things in his six thousand years (5) on earth, but vampire had never been one of them.

“Some of yours, angel?” he asked then peered closer at Wesley, sensing a faint taint on his soul. “And perhaps one of mine.”

Wesley grit his teeth.

“Bloody Wolfram and Hart.”

(1) More a giant bookshelf, really, seeing as how very few books ever seemed to leave the premises.

(2) Liberally dosed with a very nice Scotch whiskey; it had been one of those weeks (3) again.

(3) Not as bad as the Apocalypse-that-wasn’t but still quite dreadful.

(4) Not the Man in Black of course, though the demon cut quite a dashing figure if he did say so himself. Enough to give Mr. Cash a run for his money at any rate.

(5) Give or take a few centuries where he was either back in Hell or had decided to sleep through it.


Angel landed hard and Cordelia landed on top of him, knocking the unneeded air from his undead lungs.

“Sorry,” Cordelia mumbled as they sat up where they’d landed.

They were in the middle of a street, deserted but for two guys, three women, and a whole bunch of Hellhounds. Without even thinking about it, Cordelia began to glow. The Hounds and one of the women immediately cringed away from the pure light, the Hounds whining, tucking their tails and cowering by the woman. No, now that Cordelia had had a chance to really look at the dark haired woman she could see beneath the human face to the swirling blackness beyond.

“What are you?” the thing demanded. “You’re not an angel…”

“It doesn’t matter what I am,” Cordy declared, silencing the thing. “What really matters is that if you wanna keep calling this world home you’ll pack up your freaky puppies and get the hell away from these people before I count to three. One, two…”

The thing disappeared before she even finished the second word, taking the Hellhounds with it and Cordelia breathed a sigh of relief and turned off the glow before turning to Angel, only to find three shot guns and a pistol aimed at the two of them. Blinking a bit she pasted on her most winning smile.

“Hi,” she said. “I’m Cordelia.”


Author’s Notes: And that’s the end of that. It’s been fun, even if the muse did crap out on me for a little while there. The last two parts are crosses with Good Omens and Supernatural (S5 E10) respectively, neither of which I own. GO belongs to Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman and Supernatural belongs to Eric Kripke et. all.

I don’t think I’ll be writing beyond these but if a bunny strikes feel free to run with any of the story lines I’ve started, just let me know in a review ‘cause I’d love to visit the grand-bunnies ^_^

Anyway, thanks again for reading, hope you had as much fun as I did.

~Dire Banshee

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Your formatting is a little wonky, and you should probably put the fic under an LJ cut so that it doesn't take up a user's entire Friends dashboard. Okay? :D

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